Oh so we’re not complaining this time?
There might be few things more confusing, self-doubt inducing, and contradictory than acting as a cancer caregiver. I previously wrote about 10 of the difficult and complicated thoughts a cancer caregiver experiences. Perhaps the wildest part of this role is that we clearly put ourselves through hell to be a cancer caregiver. Sometimes (most times), we feel like we’re doing it against our will. However, even in the worst of times, we continue to get up in the morning and do it anyways.
Not only are we continuing to be cancer caregivers for our loved ones, but we are also always trying to learn and become better. It makes sense, right? Why else would we experience all of those terribly difficult feelings if we didn’t pour our heart and souls into caregiving?
This is getting too real. I liked it better when we were just bitter.
You and me both. But this is important to address. When Sarah and I embarked on her breast cancer journey, I didn’t know a thing. I sure thought I did, but I definitely didn’t. I was 27 years old. My pre-frontal cortex had just BARELY gone through full development. When treatment and the hardships kicked off, I struggled super hard. The vast canyon between my expectations and my reality of providing cancer support just broke me. But since this post isn’t about pointing out the specific struggles, I won’t really go into those details here. What I will tell you is as a cancer caregiver, I experienced the worst mental health of my adult life, cried more per week than I ever thought possible for myself, and experienced too many panic attacks to count.
This doesn’t sound really grateful so far.
You’re totally right. So the question is – “Why do we do this?”
The simple answer is because we unconditionally love the person that we’re taking care of. We all have had the conscious or unconscious thought of – “Oh god, I didn’t sign up for this.” In a way, we did sign up. Cancer caregiving is an act of love. With Sarah, I continually signed up as we progressed through our relationship from first dates to moving in together to my decision to propose to her. In sickness and in health. Even when it comes to a person in your life like your mom, you signed up when you accepted her love. If the relationship is more complicated, you signed up when you graciously underwent the steps to try to understand this person’s past behaviors and struggles.
There were days, weeks, and months when I felt like I needed to quit or run away and start a new life. I wished I was kidding. I sounded to myself and felt like a horrible person when these thoughts occurred.. But I didn’t quit. Through the tears and panic attacks, I soldiered on. When my caregiving journey wasn’t filled with immense challenges, it was filled with moments of gratitude and profound love.
How can you describe caregiving as filled with both panic attacks and gratitude?
I literally don’t know. That is why supporting a loved one through cancer is a minefield of contradictions. It is such a thankless role. Sleepless nights in hospital rooms and managing the emotional and physical pain of the person we love is rarely met with appreciation. Lord knows that I was desperately seeking appreciation or validation from Sarah. Even harder still is watching the person we love and cherish suffer and not knowing what the future holds. It is within these unseen struggles as a caregiver that the depth of our love really takes shape. The essence of our resilience overcomes the instinct to run away.
To love someone is to not be able to picture a life without them. The love I have for Sarah manifested itself in my relentless dedication to her through her breast cancer diagnosis and journey. Even when she was the biggest asshole to me, I knew I would still do anything to take away her pain. The cancer caregiver’s capacity for love goes deeper than we thought possible. It is in these deepest depths of our love, in the lowest of low moments, that our gratitude shines the brightest.
But this is all so awful. What could I possibly be grateful for?
Good question, my friend. Whenever I was sobbing, I didn’t know it at the time, but I was grateful and surprised at my profound strength for making it this far. When I didn’t think I could do another house chore, but then a friend dropped over dinner, I was unbelievably grateful for them AND for not having to cook of course. When physicians lay out their plan, we express immense gratitude for the existence of treatment to cure or stop the progression of cancer, prolong the life of our loved one, or to make them as comfortable as possible with the time that remains. I’m certainly grateful for the leaps and bounds that have occurred in cancer treatment and research thanks to the ones that have come before us. Gratitude is one of the few beacons of light we have in the darkest moments.
Yes, there were times when it felt like I couldn’t go on. There were times when Sarah was less than nice to me even when I sacrificed so much for her. However, there were also times when we could laugh together playing Mario Kart or enjoy a good meal or spend time with friends and family. I’m beyond grateful to forever hold these beautiful memories with her. Sarah’s presence in my life is something I will always cherish, even amidst the difficult times and sad memories. I hope you can understand and feel grateful for the loved one you are caring for.
So what does gratitude mean for the profound struggles I still face?
Being grateful does not negate or invalidate the pain or fear that you might face. Cancer caregiving is to tow the finest line between this chapter that is both heartbreakingly difficult and deeply rewarding. Everything that it teaches us about ourselves and life itself is…well not exactly worth it. However, it is still something valuable that we take with us forever. The essence of gratitude alone is a reminder of how much love we have for our partner, relative, or friend, and a point of pride for our strength and endurance.
I sincerely hope you have something to take away from reading this and find comfort in these words. This post is a tribute to all of you and to the people in our lives facing cancer. Seek out the support you need when you need it and continue to be proud of yourself for making it as far as you have. 🙂