More is always better
MORE PLEASE!
First off, thank you for checking out my post. I’m happy that you’re here. I recently made the first Cancer Support Advice From A Caregiver post and thought I would follow up on it.
I really wish I had someone to talk to and just tell me EVERYTHING about being a caregiver. There is truly no such thing as too much advice for someone in this situation. Sadly, the reality is that there is not a ton of information to help caregivers not feel alone. If I can validate one caregiver’s feelings or help out one person with any advice, I would truly be thrilled.
One last thing before I dive in – Please promise me that you’ll follow through with at least one single item on this list. I know for a fact that each of these things will make a huge difference for you in the long run, but it may not be simple to do in the moment. I completely understand and empathize that this is…frankly not the best time in your life right now. That is why I’m just asking you to do one of these single things for yourself! Trust me, a random stranger on the internet.
Random stranger you say? Count me in!
- Get Yourself a Nifty Notebook
Buy yourself a solid notebook that you’re comfortable taking on the go. You will certainly get great mileage out of your notebook. Name it something cool like Homer because you will certainly be going on an Odyssey with that notebook (hehehe). I detested the idea of journaling before Sarah was diagnosed, but it turns out that journaling is a game changer for your mental health. Writing down your thoughts allows you to confront your emotions leading to self acceptance and reduced anxiety. In addition, your notebook is crucial during those first doctor’s appointments and phone calls when information is bombarding you. Not to mention needing some to-do lists. Write all of that down! Please just get the notebook (I like this one).
- Plan Out and Create Your Support Network
It’s not going to cut it by just thinking through your list of friends and your parents and calling it a day. You will need those people in your life that can support you. I know I needed it. When Sarah received the diagnosis, I wore my best brave face, and I marched into the warzone alone. Well…that ended poorly. A huge part of that is because I did not plan nor was I good at utilizing my support system. Literally write down (in your nifty notebook) all of your friends and family that you are willing to pick up the phone and call. Oh and also you can actually contact me, and I’d be happy to chat.
- Have Those Tough Conversations
Unfortunately you are going to have to prepare to sit down with your romantic partner to hash out some tough conversations. The caregiver-to-partner relationship looks, feels, and acts differently than the romantic partner-to-romantic partner relationship despite them involving the same people (you and your partner). Therefore, it requires a new batch of forming a rhythm, partnership, understanding, and all the things that naturally come with a new serious relationship.
Some potential topics – Conflict resolution strategies during cancer, non-negotiable needs for each of you, pet or child care, and sex :O. Don’t shy away from these difficult discussions.
- Treat Yo’self
Buy something fun! Sarah and I bought a Nespresso machine and she bought like 8 dresses from Marshalls right when she was diagnosed. A couple we know adopted a cat when they were diagnosed! There’s something to be said about the therapeutic qualities of shopping and getting something new and fun in your life. I understand cancer could be a financial burden, so do what you can even if it’s just to make good espresso at home.
- Avoid the Comparison Trap
Remember that you and your partner’s life and happiness does not stop progressing just because of cancer. I was constantly stuck on the idea that our friends and peers blew right past us in life. I was sad nearly every day comparing my anxiety and “new normal” with my coworkers and friends. “Comparison is the death of joy.” – Mark Twain. Please do not compare yourself to others, especially to folks that aren’t navigating cancer. It is not fair to yourself or your partner. Connect instead with fellow caregivers – they’re out there, and I promise they will understand your struggles.
And finally, to all of the cancer caregivers out there
You are doing great. Please know that this journey is tough but it is not forever. You will come out the other side of this. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for reading!