Oy vey.
My partner/spouse just received a cancer diagnosis! HELP!
First off, I want to tell you to breathe. You are not alone. I am a 30 year old guy whose now wife received a breast cancer about 2.5 years ago. You can read more about us in my Introduction here and my Trauma Part 1 and Part 2 posts here.
In short, I too found myself suddenly in the cancer caregiver role at the, may I say, too young age of 27. I know it sounds wild, but I came to learn that being a supportive partner to my fiancée (fiancée at the time. now wife) with cancer is A LOT trickier than it sounds. I navigated through thousands of emotions and thoughts that change on a whim. The new line of thinking that comes with being a caregiver is bonkers. Sometimes thoughts and feelings that I had contradicted each other. I truly felt like I was losing my mind.
I just want to show others in this situation that their feelings are valid. Being a male caregiver is a special challenge on its own. Yes, men have many many privileges in society. But to whoever you are that is reading this – please believe me and not think I’m selfish when I say that men (and any caregiver) need help and validation too when their wife/partner/etc. was just diagnosed with cancer.
One of my eventual goals through this blog is just to help caregivers navigate this tumultuous time and convince them that they matter too. It goes without saying that the partner that received the diagnosis needs emotional, mental, and physical care too.
Please just get to the cancer support stuff already!
Alright alright. Now that that spiel is done, here are the things that caregivers need to do when their partner receives a cancer diagnosis:
- Like I said at the beginning, breathe. Deep, slow breaths slow down your heart rate and decrease the fight or flight response. That is going to be crucial. Even though your world may have been flipped upside down, the whole process does not move as quick as you might think. Yes, your partner needs great health care. However, all of the big cancer treatment pieces are likely to take a few weeks to kick off, and that is okay. Thank <insert higher power here> for cancer treatment vastly and continually improving. Slow things down for yourself.
- Your identity DOES NOT CHANGE. You are still you. When my wife, Sarah, was first diagnosed, I felt that I had to dedicate my entire self to caregiving. Yes, that was an additional role that I for sure took on, but I needed to know that I was still me in every single way that I was before the diagnosis. My identity was and is still me, not just a partner to someone with cancer.
- I wish someone told me this: You are not going to be this heroic, unbelievably strong, emotionally invincible guy. We are all living, breathing, feeling people. No matter how hard we try, we will have emotions. I attempted to embody the strongest fucking emotional rock that I could, not letting anything get to me; NEVER showing Sarah any weakness on my part. Yeah…that did last a good 4-5 weeks, but then I lost it. My brain cells took a nice vacation away from the situation, and I got pretty depressed for a couple of weeks. This is all to say that: Feeling the things that you’re supposed to feel in this situation is self-care.
- Anything you do to take care of yourself is also taking care of your partner. Enuff said. You still will need to make sacrifices and shouldn’t justify being completely selfish in the name of self care. I hope that is obvious. Okay, now enuff said.
- Last and maybe the most important – GO. TO. THERAPY. If you made it this far, I hope it’s clear that you need to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally. Men are so much less likely to go to therapy because they were taught probably by parents and probably by society that they will appear weak if they seek help and/or talk about their feelings. It is so worth it to find a therapist and find the right therapist. I made a mistake by settling on my therapist because I thought “why bother.” You matter. So please please please take the time and the energy for this, and it will pay off. You will need someone to talk to and share your insanely complicated feelings with.
I can probably write about this forever, but I will leave it there for now. Likely in the near future, I will share a lot more advice and information. For the time being, please hang in there. Feel free to contact me at TheCancerCaregiverChronicles@gmail.com if you have any questions! Thanks for reading. 🙂