Who Am I?
Jean Valjean style.
So who are you?
I’m a 30-year-old guy living in the United States. Call me reasonably normal…ish. I’m into music, movies, and occasionally weightlifting at the gym. I cherish my friendships and strive to reciprocate the same loyalty to my friends that they give to me. But beneath my surface, there’s a constant hum of social anxiety and a history of wrestling with depression, topics we’ll delve into in later posts.
I tied the knot in 2023 with the woman that I love and have been with for 6 years now.
Why in the world are you making this cancer blog?
Wow, great question! In 2021, right around the time I proposed to my now wife, she received a breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 27. Cue the cliché: our world turned upside down in an instant….yadda yadda — If you’re reading this, while I hope it isn’t true for you, you’ve probably experienced that same shock to the system when your loved one faces a cancer diagnosis. Suffice to say, cancer did turn our lives upside down. How could it not?
My wife, Sarah, was already following a screening protocol for breast cancer and other malignancies due to a genetic quirk that she had. This genetic anomaly predisposes her to various cancers. Having this condition is like winning the world’s shittiest genetic lottery; it pretty much guarantees the diagnosis of at least 1 type of cancer before the age of 30.
In addition to the protocol of cancer screening, Sarah already made the decision to schedule a preventative prophylactic double mastectomy. Isn’t it fun and ironic that she already scheduled the breast surgery before she received the diagnosis? Luckily we caught the breast cancer early thanks to the screening.
Wow okay. That’s tough. Tell me more about Sarah.
Thanks for being interested. You’re too nice.
Before cancer hit our life like a freight train, Sarah had already endured a harrowing familial history with cancer. Her birth mother succumbed to breast cancer when Sarah was very young. To make matters just a little more heavy, her mom received the same type of breast cancer diagnosis that Sarah received. Moreover, her younger sister fought cancer as well when she was a child.
Even before her own cancer, Sarah thought about her birth mom often. Now that she received the same exact cancer diagnosis that killed her mom, AND she is close to the same age that her mom was when she died, let’s just say that there are a lot of difficult/traumatic/emotional layers to this journey.
Where do you come into play? Why Cancer Caregiver Chronicles?
Sarah and I had just settled into cohabitation when cancer barged into our lives uninvited. Amidst planning for a future together, we found ourselves grappling with diagnoses, treatments, and the specter of uncertainty. When she was diagnosed, I knew that I would show her my unwavering support and commitment and love by getting down on one knee and proposing (I was planning the proposal since before the diagnosis). In my head, I pictured us, hand in hand, punching cancer in the face and crushing every aspect of treatment together as a team.
Well…I soon learned that the blind optimism of beating cancer with your partner looks a little different in reality. As a man, being a caregiver for your partner has some extra unique challenges (being a caregiver to someone with cancer is already the hardest job in the world). Men, typically reticent about expressing emotions, find themselves navigating uncharted waters when thrust into a caregiving role. The traditional avenues for emotional support often feel inadequate or inaccessible. I am the last person to try to claim that men need more support or anything like that. However, please do believe me that there is something to be said about this being hard for men.
For starters, men don’t talk about their feelings. Even for a sensitive guy like me, there are so few places for men to turn to to get the support they need. For the average dude with best friends from college whose deep emotional vulnerability with each other starts and ends with drunk heart to hearts about ex-girlfriends, suddenly needing a big surge of emotional support from these guys isn’t as easy as it is for girls. Additionally, the normal emotional support that a romantic relationship entails is thrown way off balance when cancer makes an appearance. So what I am saying is that there is a desert of emotional wellbeing for guys in a caregiving role.
This blog is my attempt at providing a beacon for caregivers, regardless of gender. Yes, I’m a guy talking about being a male caregiver for his partner, but I hope there is enough here for any caregiver or person affected by cancer. There is definitely a gap when it comes to resources and documented experiences for caregivers, especially those that involve a romantic relationship. I would be thrilled if at least one person reads and can relate to what I wrote.
Thank you for embarking on this journey with me. Stay strong. You’re not alone and you will get through this.
I aim to share a new post weekly, but we’ll see where this new adventure takes us.